The curious incident of the Paypig and the Primark bag.

One Saturday started out normal enough, with a visit to a popular tourist attraction in Piccadilly Circus. Here I discovered a vintage fortune telling machine and for the bargain price of £1, a creepy grandmother doll informed me that my money troubles would soon disappear and I would be able to indulge in a few luxuries that I’ve been craving. “Oh goody” I thought, vowing, but promptly forgetting, to buy a lottery ticket upon exiting through the gift shop. Little did I know how accurate she was going to be……sort of.

The next stop on my urban adventure was the premier purveyor of plastic perfection that is Primark. Now then….I have a love/hate relationship with Primark. It’s bargain central but ultimately, an infuriating place. All human life is there and nowhere more so than the flagship London store. I only popped in to restock on white t-shirts and underwear, but you can never just “pop in” to Primark, primarily because you have to endure changing room queues long enough to age you by 10 years. The only way I survive is to wedge earphones firmly in my ears and let Brian Eno drown out inane teenage chatter and prevent me from verbally abusing people who wait until they’re at the front of the queue to sort through their bulging baskets to find the one item they want to try on. Needless to say, for other people’s safety and my own sanity, I gave up queuing and trudged off to pay, taking my place in the cashier queue, concerned that heat from the lights above might make the four baskets of synthetic fibres that the woman had in front spontaneously combust.

The final stop was the theatre, where, on presenting myself at the box office to collect my single ticket, I received the look of pity and shock to which I have become accustomed since being single. In return, I delivered the hard stare reserved for those who wrongly assume that I am a social leper just because attend a theatre/cinema/other attraction alone. Taking my seat in the box, there was no room for my Primark bag in front of me, so I stored it between the back wall and the seats to my left. Settling back down in my seat, I sipped my wine and waited for curtain-up.

A few minutes later a group of senior citizens took their seats in the box. They faffed about with their coats for a while before one of the women noticed my Primark bag. She looked across at me and then stared down at the bag again.

“Is this yours?”, she said, peering over her glasses at me with a look of distain most people reserve for dog faeces on their shoe.

I paused. “Yes,” I replied.

She lent over the back of the seat and took a long hard look into my bag at my new underwear. She then looked across at me again with the same look of distain.

“Well, at least we know now”, she growled as her husband, clearly intrigued, also looked into the bag.

I’m not entirely sure what this woman found so offensive about the contents of my bag and fueled by wine that had gone straight to my head, I was just about to ask whether they would like me to model the contents for them when a message from a potential suitor came through that read as follows:

“I’m into financial domination”

Now then….my internet dating misadventures have given me a reluctant education (not practical I might add) in a wide variety of fetishes and kinks but this was was a new one. It turns out, my suitor had a penchant for having increasingly extravagant financial demands made of him, the ultimate climax being his complete financial ruin. He explained that he had a substantial sum of money saved up that I was welcome to drain. What he expected in return for this, I can’t say, but naturally, I declined his offer. However, after I pressed send, I suddenly remembered the creepy grandmother doll’s £1 prophecy earlier that day. Fair play Gran, you were almost right, however, you never mentioned anything about my money worries being eradicated by a pervy Tinderer!

Should have bought that lottery ticket.

Pfft.

#relationships #dating #love #texting #theatre #primark #shopping #underwear