Fish, fakes and fools.

Creating an online dating profile…..it’s alot like hanging a “for sale” sign around your heart and displaying it alongside others in a virtual game of mating monopoly. For every genuine and gorgeous top hat it attracts, there is a stream of timewasting old boots giving it a kick.

Over the last year, I’ve played the game myself. Having set up my sign, I’ve circumnavigated the board past a proliferation of profiles. I’ve been lucky to have met one or two fantastic fellas whose signs made me swoon. However, the majority fail to impress. A picture may well be worth a thousand words, but in the online dating game, a picture is very often worth just one….”no”.

The “fish” photo

I have lost track of how many men I have seen proudly grinning out from my screen, sitting on a riverbank clinging on to their carp (other fish are available in all good rivers).

Now then, I’m all for hobbies, after all, having individual interests is important in a relationship, but my initial reaction when I see these photos is that they will rock up to a date with fishy fingers and maggots will have hitched a ride in their beards.

Euw.

The “gym” photo

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a red-blooded woman and I have a weakness for a good set of biceps and pecs, but if a profile contains only photos of a guy giving it some “blue steel” in the gym mirror, I take it as a sign that he’s already in a committed relationship….with himself.

The “handsome by association” photo

Guys…..why have a bunch of photos on your profile of you, surrounded by your better looking mates, and then get all indignant, and accuse us of being shallow, when we politely ask which one you are?

Are we just expected to agree to a Russian Roulette date where it could be any one of 5 people who turn up or shall we expect a testosterone-fuelled human centipede to appear, with you as the arse-end?

The “absent” photo

Any woman’s gut reaction to this is one of three things:

1. He wasn’t so much as hit with the ugly stick as dragged through an entire ugly forest, hitting every tree along the way. Sounds shallow but let’s be honest, dating is initially about physical attraction. If you’re scared to show your face, I will assume you’re hiding it because you look like John Merrick in a broken mirror.

2. He’s married or has a girlfriend in which case he’ll probably offer to send some photos privately. If he does, it pays to check whether his wedding finger always hidden from view. If you get as far as meeting him, be sure to check for a tan line or indentation on his wedding finger.

3. He doesn’t want his single female friends or work colleagues to see him. Fair enough, but he’s likely to expect you to lie about how you met which, trust me, has ways of backfiring.

The “hareem” photo

These geniuses believe the best way to attract a woman is to use photos of themselves with other women draped all over them in a nightclub. This makes any savvy woman think two things….”Player” and “Avoid”. These guys would do well to adhere to one of my favourite quotes of unknown origin:

“A boy makes his girl jealous of other women. A gentleman makes other women jealous of his girl.”

So, be a gentleman.

The “tiger” photo

How terribly brave of you to pose next to a chained and doped up tiger. Honestly, it’s right up there with squeezing marshmallows as a sign of manliness.

The “wedding” photo

He’s not over his ex.

The “driving” photo

Mirror, signal, selfie, manoeuvre.

I was once contacted by a guy whose profile had 6 brooding photos all taken in his car. I replied, not because I was interested, I was merely concerned that he was trapped and required assistance.

He blocked me, which I think was a bit harsh.

The “extreme close up” photo

Please boys, don’t over-estimate the appeal of nose hair. If this applies to you….

http://www.argos.co.uk/m/static/Product/partNumber/3336984.htm

You’re welcome.

The “one finger salute” photo

Trust me, nothing encourages us girls to ‘f’ off faster.

The “kids” photo

One of you with them is adorable. One of them without you, as your profile pic, just makes it look like you’re trying to sell them.

The “check out my ride” photo

I am not a mechanophiliac. You shouldn’t be either. It’s weird.

The “intermittent” photo

These guys treat their profile like a shop, only open for business between certain hours when the Mrs is at work. A guy who contacted me at the same time every day and then disappeared, confessed to doing just this. He said he would reveal his profile pic for just a few hours a day, between 4 and 6pm, to limit his exposure in case his wife had got her friends to set up fake profiles as honeytraps.

The “poached” photo

It continues to baffle me why, in a post-Catfish dating world, guys continue to steal photos from social media accounts of models, z-list actors or random good looking guys. “It really is me” they all say, assuming that we won’t use our catfish-culling weapon of choice; the reverse image search. It’s highly amusing to introduce these deluded dudes to their doppelgangers via the same social media channel they originally exploited.

Strange….they never seem to appreciate the irony *shrugs*

#relationships #dating #love #texting