Textual encounters

Modern dating is accompanied by a unique soundtrack of bleeps, bings, dings and dongs that provide singletons with their daily barometer of dating success. They warn of impending textual activity, the quality of which can vary from a safe and sedate “Hi”, to more sleazy and surreal opening gambits such as:

• “Is your second toe longer than your big toe?”

• “Good bum”

• “I do try to woo you with my poo emojis ha”

• “Well hello, you definitely got my cock twitching, lol how are you, your weekend been alright”

• “Have you done nudes?”

• “Do you like anal?”

• “I just eat and now in bed watching the roof:) I was working at the morning and now relaxing time.”

• “I do not have any tattoo. I am athletic but not bulky. Is it something you may like? I also have good proportions and a good size…”

• “Sit on my face and I will eat my way to your heart”

• “I like old women”

In my experience, a cruel irony of this foreplay is that the best composed and engaging efforts are from people to whom I feel as much physical attraction as I would do a brick. Meanwhile, those I am physically attracted to often fumble about, stringing together sentences that even Urban Dictionary can’t decipher. However, a small proportion of potential suitors have successfully progressed to a textual relationship. This has been achieved courtesy of witty repartee and intelligent conversation. In some instances, this has even resulted in an actual live date.

My air of cynicism comes from so many guys regularly messaging but never actually asking me out on a date. This leads me to believe that…

a) They are married or have a girlfriend and need to assure themselves that they’ve still “got it”.or….

b) They are single but are stuck in the “kid in a sweetshop” / “grass is greener” mode and therefore can’t make a decision.

Indeed, multiple textual partners is the norm when it comes to online dating and while initial lengthy text sessions make you feel targeted and special, your appeal may only last until his next swipe-right, “charm” or “wink”. When the undivided attention stops and the silence becomes deafening, it becomes clear that the textual relationship was most likely a ménage-a-dix and you have been sidelined, with all the symptoms of a textually transmitted disease; agitation, irritation, a reduction in self-esteem and confusion.

Swift self-medication is necessary; intravenous wine, a regular course of confectionery and reference to dating source material such as “He’s just not that into you” and “Why men love bitches”. Talking therapy with sympathetic friends is also recommended and most effective when combined with the aforementioned self-medication.

My advice to anyone about to brave the dating scene, is to safeguard your textual health with a large pinch of salt. It is the most reliable barrier method of protection against the textually transmitted diseases that can infect a hopeful heart. Sprinkle liberally over incoming messages to ensure safe texts that are ribbed for your pleasure😉

#relationships #dating #love #texting